43 Ideas to Reuse Dead Malls- Part 1

Less than six weeks ago, I took my mom to a doctor's appointment in Highpoint, North Carolina, about 15 miles from where we live.  Since I knew it would be a long appointment, I went to a local McDonald's to get a drink and do some writing.  I didn't have any ideas at the time, so I sat there looking out the window at Oak Hollow Mall.  In the 8 years I've lived in North Carolina, I'd only been to the mall two or three times.  Something seemed to call to me that day, so I went to see what it was like.  The last time I'd been to it, years ago, about a third of the shops were empty.

I wound up walking through Oak Hollow Mall about ten days before it closed.  There were only a handful of shops open.  About a dozen elderly mall walkers were doing their laps.  Everything was clean and in good condition, like you can see in this video Dan Bell shot just over a week later.  This is what got me looking into the dead mall issue.

I soon found out that over 3,500 retail stores in the U.S. have closed in the last couple years, or will close in 2017.  That will probably cause thousands more smaller stores to close later on.  As many as 400 of the 1,200 enclosed shopping malls in the U.S. have either closed, or are expected to in the next five years.  Several hundred more malls are struggling as well.  That's a lot of empty space under roof.  So I did a little brainstorming to come up with ideas to use these empty malls, stores, and other abandoned buildings. Enjoy.

Here's the start of my list of 43 ideas to reuse dead malls.

#1 Man caves in the malls still left.  No beer needed, because the guys have to drive home.  Next to all those overpriced boutique stores where women still shop, build a man cave in an empty store.  All you need is some comfy couches, a few recliners, and big TV's in every direction tuned to sports channels.  Add a few snack machines, and the men have a place to hang out while their wives and girlfriends shop.

#2 Adult Big Wheel Drifitng Course.  I'd go to malls if they had a place to do this:



#3 Gynecologist's office and tattoo/piercing shop.  Since you women have to get into an uncomfortable position to get your ladyparts checked, why not got a tattoo or piercing while you're at it.  We'll even have them warm up the duck lips, since every woman seems to complain about that.

#4 Vape shop that offers sex change operations.  I don't really need to explain that, do I?

#5 Huge indoor skatepark.  Van's made this happen at The Block at Orange Mall 20 years ago in Orange, California.  Here's what it's like on a big day with old school legend Chris Miller skating.

You can get signed and numbered copy of my zine, 43 Ideas to Reuse Dead Malls, for $6, postage paid in the continental U.S.

43 Way to Reuse Dead Malls- Part 2

Two or three months ago, I saw an episode of Abandoned on VICEland TV, where skater Rick McCrank took a tour through the abandoned Rolling Acres Mall in Akron, Ohio.  When I looked it up, I realized that this mall was built about five miles from where I was born.  This is one of the many malls I spent time in as a kid.  That show is what first piqued my interest in dead malls.  It was recently demolished.

Here's more of my list of 43 Ideas to reuse dead malls.

#6 Micro Apartments for homeless people.  The apartments are tiny, like the place Bruce Willis had in the movie The Fifth Element.  They rent for about $150- $200 a month, and each one has a bed, a shower, a small closet, and a fridge just big enough to hold a 40.

#7 Wifi Lounge.  It has comfy chairs, tables, electrical outlets everywhere, open areas for hanging out with friends and more secluded spots for working.  Like Starbuck's, but without the $8 coffees.

#8 Pop-Up Restaurant spots at the food court.  You know that idea you have to serve grilled emu and mushroom sandwiches?  Here's a place to test it out before you invest in buying a food truck.

#9 Vintage Shops that sell real old people.  Seriously, there are way too many elderly people in the world.  We all know of one or two we'd like to sell.  Here's a place to find them a good home. 

#10 Indoor Mountain Bike Park.  Have you ever heard of Ray's MTB in Cleveland?  This is an AWESOME idea.  The world needs lots more of these places.  Check this out.

#11 Self Serve Funeral Parlor.  Did you know standard funerals can run $10,000 or more?  Even cremations will run you $2-3,000.  I say we need a do-it-yourself funeral parlor to save money.  Toast some marshmallows and make s'mores while you cremate granny and save money.  Let's put the "fun" back in funeral.

#12 MMA Octagon where politicians fight each other while running for office.  Make 'em earn that cushy job.  If we would have had one of these in November, Hillary would be president.

#13 Boy Band Shooting Gallery.  Real boy bands, live ammunition.  They perform.  You shoot.  Society wins.

You can get a signed and numbered copy of my handmade zine,  43 Ideas to Reuse Dead Malls and Abandoned Buildings, for $6, postage paid in the continental U.S. 

43 Ideas to Reuse Dead Malls- Part 3

Here's Dan Bell's video of the Sunrise Mall in Corpus Christi, Texas.  I've never been there, but I did explore a dead motel on the waterfront, and ride an amazing pool there in 1990.  I was the manager of a skateboard tour with Buck Smith, Mike Crum, Chris Gentry, and Mark Oblow at the time.  We had a fun day in C.C.

OK, back to my list of 43 ideas to reuse dead malls.

#14 Hamster Wheel Playland for little kids.  Kids burn off all that energy running in big hamster-type wheels.  Every kilowatt of energy the wheels generate comes off your electric bill.

#15 BMX Bike Park.  Street, jumps, park bowls, and no skaters.

#16 Ned Talks lecture hall.  Like TED Talks, but for real people.  Named after my friend Ned, the wandering minstrel of Iroquois Street BITD.

#17 Indoor skydiving spot.  This looks like a blast.  Here's You Tube star EvantubeHD and his family trying it out.

#18 Miniature Golf Course designed by up and coming artists and sculptors.  Date night, fun, and a little culture (but not too much) all in one spot.

#19 Kids Tattoosday.  Kids from schools that don't have art programs anymore get to tattoo their teachers, principals, and school board once a week.  When the school finds a way to fund art classes again, they're off the hook, and the next school is up.

#20 Inline and scooter park for kids/paintball for adults.  Hone your shooting skills as the little brats roll around.  If you want to ride a skatepark kids, get a fucking skateboard or bike!

#21 Porcupine Petting Zoo.  I don't really need to explain this, do I?

#22 Evangelical Church of Zoomba.  Today's mega churches seem to play that incredibly bad pop music known as Comtemporary Christian and then everyone dances.  Make it official, put on your Fitbit and do Zoomba.  Praise God and get some cardio all at once.

#23 Scientific Research lab.  The job of this lab it to figure out how high school band geeks somehow morph into cool musicians in their 20's.  It just doesn't make sense.

#24 Paratrooper School for Senior Citizens.  Why is it that old people, in their waning years of life, get to decide to have wars, and young people in their prime have to go fight them?  This has always seemed backwards to me.  I say we let the young people decide if we really need to have a war, and let the old people go fight it.  After all, what would scare our enemies more than elderly people, with limited bowel control, falling from the sky with parachutes?

#25 Indie Art Galleries.  These are good things.  I used to live in one (along with 7 cats).  We need more of them.

For a measly $6 you can get a signed and numbered copy of my 24 page zine, 43 Ways to Reuse Dead Malls and Abandoned Buildings.  Postage paid in the continental U.S. 

43 Ideas to Reuse Dead Malls- Part 4

Here's Dan Bell, the guy who's now best known for shooting video in Dead Malls.  I don't know if he's making much money off this yet, but he got a TEDx Talk spot.  Not bad.

Here's my continuing list of ways to reuse dead malls and abandoned buildings.

#26  Deadbeat dads male stripper club.  Men have been going to strip joints and helping to support single moms for decades.  I say we get those deadbeat dads up on the pole to earn some money so their 9-year-old can get that iPhone 7.

#27 Longboard skateboard and fat bike flow course.  We have 400 malls to fill up, give the cruisers their own park.

#28 Cougar Country Safari.  Male college students wander through a lounge full of coked out cougars and use private rooms to earn some tuition money.  Grad students are OK, too, since they probably won't find a job anyhow.

#29 Always Open Tweeker Workshop.  Ever had the neighborhood tweeker knock on your door at 3am, looking for an alternator for a '78 Ford Granada?  Me too.  So here it is, 28 hours a day, 9 days a week, tweekers go to this shop and build homemade laser weapons, RC airplanes out of 2 x 4's, and find 101 things to do with a soldering iron.

#30 Stripper pole gymnastics academy.  Women learn and compete (wearing workout clothes) while creepy pervs watch from a viewing area that doesn't require paying $10 for two 6 ounce Pepsi's.  We all know this should be an Olympic event, this sport just needs more funding.

#31 Urban Exploring zone.  We fill an old building with somewhat safe rooms, ladders, tunnels, and cubbyholes.  People wander around an look for prizes.  It's like a video game without the couch, because you're actually in it.

#32 C-Span theater.  People watch C-Span on a theater screen 24/7.  Every politician has to wear a shocking dog collar.  If people in the theaters (nationwide) don't like how their politician is voting, they can push a button on their remote and shock the person.  The more people who push the button, the bigger the shock.  I love the smell of democracy in the morning.

#33 Tax preparation office and massage parlor.  If there's one day we all need a happy ending, it's tax day.  Free massages for all accountants.

#34 Boobs For Bums charity strip club.  You can get a tax credit by buying lapdances for homeless guys.  Yeah ladies, we could make a women's version, too.

#35 Indoor paintball gold course.  If there were ever two lame ass sports that need to be combined to make a sport worth watching, it's paintball and golf.

#36 Natural gas research lab.  Scientists use this space to find a way to convert old people's farts into a way to power vehicles.  It's time we stop wasting this renewable resource.

#37 Russian roulette fantasy football.  Maybe you get your draft pick, maybe you get a bullet in the head.  Either way, society wins in the long run.

#38 Counselaquarium.  Instead of paying hundreds of millions of dollars for people's psych meds through Medicaid, the government builds dolphin pools in old malls and buildings.  Depressed people go to pet, hang out, and swim with the dolphins.  Who the hell can be depressed while hanging out with dolphins?  Well, there's that one guy in the movie The Salton Sea, bit that's it.

#39 Speed Preaching shop.  Evangelicals, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, and anyone else who tries to convert every person they meet shows up here.  They have two minutes to try and convert each other.

#40 Drunk Driving School.  Since kids don't seem to learn much in regular driving school, we'll put all those dead mall parking lots to use.  Kids play beer pong or do shots, and then drive through an obstacle course where they text, post, and snap while they try to avoid juvenile delinquents and people who have to do lots of community service.  Teach the kids some skills they will actually use in real life.

#41 Lego store.  It's not a branded store that sells Lego kits.  It's just a store with millions of Lego pieces... and no directions that take a doctorate from MIT to understand.  Use your imagination people.

#42 Demolition Room.  It's a room filled with every day items like glasses, dishes, old TV's, electronics, and a guy in a Barney costume.  You pay $5 for five minutes.  You can use a hammer, a sledge hammer, and a baseball bat to beat the crap out of everything while your friends shoot video through a thick plexiglass window.

#43 ?????  You'll have to buy my zine to learn this one.

For $6 you can get a signed and numbered copy of my handmade zine, 43 Ideas to reuse Dead Malls and abandoned buildings, postage paid in the continental U.S.  What's a zine?  That's what we published before blogs were invented.