43 Ideas to Reuse Dead Malls- Part 4

Here's Dan Bell, the guy who's now best known for shooting video in Dead Malls.  I don't know if he's making much money off this yet, but he got a TEDx Talk spot.  Not bad.

Here's my continuing list of ways to reuse dead malls and abandoned buildings.

#26  Deadbeat dads male stripper club.  Men have been going to strip joints and helping to support single moms for decades.  I say we get those deadbeat dads up on the pole to earn some money so their 9-year-old can get that iPhone 7.

#27 Longboard skateboard and fat bike flow course.  We have 400 malls to fill up, give the cruisers their own park.

#28 Cougar Country Safari.  Male college students wander through a lounge full of coked out cougars and use private rooms to earn some tuition money.  Grad students are OK, too, since they probably won't find a job anyhow.

#29 Always Open Tweeker Workshop.  Ever had the neighborhood tweeker knock on your door at 3am, looking for an alternator for a '78 Ford Granada?  Me too.  So here it is, 28 hours a day, 9 days a week, tweekers go to this shop and build homemade laser weapons, RC airplanes out of 2 x 4's, and find 101 things to do with a soldering iron.

#30 Stripper pole gymnastics academy.  Women learn and compete (wearing workout clothes) while creepy pervs watch from a viewing area that doesn't require paying $10 for two 6 ounce Pepsi's.  We all know this should be an Olympic event, this sport just needs more funding.

#31 Urban Exploring zone.  We fill an old building with somewhat safe rooms, ladders, tunnels, and cubbyholes.  People wander around an look for prizes.  It's like a video game without the couch, because you're actually in it.

#32 C-Span theater.  People watch C-Span on a theater screen 24/7.  Every politician has to wear a shocking dog collar.  If people in the theaters (nationwide) don't like how their politician is voting, they can push a button on their remote and shock the person.  The more people who push the button, the bigger the shock.  I love the smell of democracy in the morning.

#33 Tax preparation office and massage parlor.  If there's one day we all need a happy ending, it's tax day.  Free massages for all accountants.

#34 Boobs For Bums charity strip club.  You can get a tax credit by buying lapdances for homeless guys.  Yeah ladies, we could make a women's version, too.

#35 Indoor paintball gold course.  If there were ever two lame ass sports that need to be combined to make a sport worth watching, it's paintball and golf.

#36 Natural gas research lab.  Scientists use this space to find a way to convert old people's farts into a way to power vehicles.  It's time we stop wasting this renewable resource.

#37 Russian roulette fantasy football.  Maybe you get your draft pick, maybe you get a bullet in the head.  Either way, society wins in the long run.

#38 Counselaquarium.  Instead of paying hundreds of millions of dollars for people's psych meds through Medicaid, the government builds dolphin pools in old malls and buildings.  Depressed people go to pet, hang out, and swim with the dolphins.  Who the hell can be depressed while hanging out with dolphins?  Well, there's that one guy in the movie The Salton Sea, bit that's it.

#39 Speed Preaching shop.  Evangelicals, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, and anyone else who tries to convert every person they meet shows up here.  They have two minutes to try and convert each other.

#40 Drunk Driving School.  Since kids don't seem to learn much in regular driving school, we'll put all those dead mall parking lots to use.  Kids play beer pong or do shots, and then drive through an obstacle course where they text, post, and snap while they try to avoid juvenile delinquents and people who have to do lots of community service.  Teach the kids some skills they will actually use in real life.

#41 Lego store.  It's not a branded store that sells Lego kits.  It's just a store with millions of Lego pieces... and no directions that take a doctorate from MIT to understand.  Use your imagination people.

#42 Demolition Room.  It's a room filled with every day items like glasses, dishes, old TV's, electronics, and a guy in a Barney costume.  You pay $5 for five minutes.  You can use a hammer, a sledge hammer, and a baseball bat to beat the crap out of everything while your friends shoot video through a thick plexiglass window.

#43 ?????  You'll have to buy my zine to learn this one.

For $6 you can get a signed and numbered copy of my handmade zine, 43 Ideas to reuse Dead Malls and abandoned buildings, postage paid in the continental U.S.  What's a zine?  That's what we published before blogs were invented.